"Now, in closing,"

Church culture comes replete with its own preacher jokes.  The other day an acquaintance of mine asked me, “Do you know what it usually means when a pastor says, ‘Now, in closing?’”

“Absolutely nothing,” he laughed! 

Billy Graham loved to tell this story about a long- winded preacher:  Two men were sitting on the front row in church when one took off his shoe to throw at the preacher.  However, his aim was way off and the shoe hit a man in the head sitting across the aisle.  After a few seconds the second man yelled, “Throw your other shoe, I can still hear him!”

My homiletics (art of preaching) professor in Bible School was famous for saying, “Stand up so they can see you, speak up so they can ear you, and sit down so they will love you.”  Long-winded preachers have been the butt of jokes forever, but the fact remains that “our ears can only hear what our seats can endure.” 

Years ago, my family and I went to hear a nationally acclaimed speaker, who was known for his wonderful insights into God’s Word.  He had a reputation for moving crowds.  However, we were all extremely exhausted when after four hours the man quit preaching.  Yes – four hours!  Perhaps the Apostle Paul was long-winded, too.  Do you remember a young man by the name of Eutychus, who fell to his death from a second floor window while Paul was preaching (Acts 20:9)?  It was good of Paul to raise him back to life, since he had been so long-winded!

Long is not necessarily better.  Gospel communicators are entrusted with earth’s greatest message.  But we don’t need to preach through the Bible in one sitting! 

Today’s audiences are more time conscious than ever before.  What we say must be communicated quickly and effectively.  We must pack the biggest punch we can in a reasonable amount of time, asking the Lord to drive our words, illustrations and thoughts like an arrow to the hearts of our listeners.

I have been challenged by the Lord to deliver one key thought in each message, using sub-points and illustrations to support that thought – then trusting the Lord to drive it home.  I might not always achieve my objective perfectly, but this I know, we who minister the Word of God to a very mind-cluttered culture need not add to their stress, but offer a word that methodically and with the Spirit’s anointing brings salvation, help and encouragement to fast-paced lifestyles.

I certainly don’t want to do what a guest speaker did in one of my churches.  He had already preached a fine message when I heard him say, “Now in closing I have 18 points I’d like to share…” I, of course, thought he was kidding, so I laughed out loud!  Forty-five minutes later he dismissed the service.  Believe me, I was no longer laughing.  I could not believe his lack of wisdom and audacity to trample my good graces and steal the congregation’s time.

Well prepared and prayed over messages in today’s church, I believe, will go a long way to more effectively reach a generation whose collective attention span has been proven to be reduced.  I know this may sound funny or even unspiritual coming from a preacher in my faith tradition, but 41 years of ministry have led me to this conclusion:  Pulpit ministry should downplay the messenger and elevate the message in a timely fashion – trusting the Lord for maximum results.  Preparation is key! 

Laughter is the Best Medicine

“A merry heart does good, like medicine…” (Proverbs 22:17)

I like to laugh, so I’m always looking for funny stories.  The following obituary, although in circulation for several years, still brings a chuckle or two.  Enjoy!

Pillsbury Dough Boy Dead at 71

Sad news today, so join me in remembering yet another great icon of the entertainment community.  The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeatedly being poked in his belly during his lifetime.  The veteran Pillsbury spokesman was 71.  Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough; plus they also had one in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.  Services were held yesterday at 350 for about 20 minutes.

Dough Boy (DB) was buried in a lightly greased coffin.  Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.  The gravesite was piled high with “flours.”

Longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing DB as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.  DB rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. 

He was not considered a very “smart cookie,” wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.  Despite being a little flaky at times, he was considered a role model for millions.  Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again but alas, he remained unleavened.

Disclaimer:  I don’t write this stuff; I just pass it on to you! 

Mr. Mole's Skware Dancing Class

Life, of course, has to be taken seriously, but there are times when a good laugh is needed.  Nothing perhaps is healthier than learning to laugh at our own “funnies.”

As a boy I was shy.  Cripplingly shy.  I literally faked “whatever” to get out of standing in front of people.  This I did once while in second grade at Jefferson Elementary School. 

Music class was an extra-curricular event, which I despised.  Our teacher was Mr. Mole, a quiet, unassuming little man.  One day he announced that we were going to learn how to square dance.  I immediately conjured up a scheme to escape this terrifying prospect.  My plan would have worked well had I been a better speller, and my penmanship more convincing.  Let me explain. 

At church, I heard my pastor say that dancing was sinful.  That became my escape hatch!  My plan was carefully thought out and executed.   With pen in hand, I wrote a brief note to Mr. Mole.  It said, “Dear Mr. Mole.  Pleas excuze Roger from skware dancing because it is aginst are religun.  Thank you, Mrs. Loomis.”    

I confidently handed Mr. Mole my letter from home and made my way back to our regular classroom.  I had done it.  I got out of square dancing.  Yay!

The very next day, the “real Mrs. Loomis” sent a note to school saying, “Dear Mr. Mole, Roger was punished for lying to you and writing that note.  It won’t happen again!  Mrs. Joyce Loomis (576-5111).”

With a sore backside and forced resolve in my heart, I re-joined the square dancing class in progress!

Off My Rocker

If I had my way, every chair in my house would be a rocking chair.  When I was still in diapers, I'd sit in the middle of the floor and rock.  Today, when I visit in homes, I search for a rocker.  I think they should design pews that rock.  Occasionally, I notice myself rocking in straight back chairs.  I don't mind waiting outside for a table at Cracker Barrel, because I get to enjoy "rocking chair row."  Maybe I'm off my rocker!

While still using a high chair, I refused to eat toast unless it was first rubbed on the floor.

Why did I develop such quirks?  Maybe I need counseling.  Perhaps these oddities were warning signs of things to come.  Perhaps God was preparing me for the weird times in ministry.  Who knows?  My Aunt Dorlene still laughs about my eccentricity.  She let me rock and gave me all the toast I wanted--dirt and all!

I'm just glad God never asked me to preach an illustrated sermon by walking around naked for three years.  Do you remember when God used Isaiah to demonstrate the humiliation that Egypt and Cush would experience at the hands of the Assyrians?  "At that time the Lord spoke through Isaiah son of Amoz.  He said to him, 'Take off the sackcloth from your body and the sandals from your feet.' And he did so, going around stripped and barefoot" (Isaiah 20:2).  Don't you imagine that the nation of Judah thought Isaiah was off his rocker!

I'd rather rock without a rocker and rub my toast on the floor any day!