Are You a Project?

Many years ago, at my invitation, I had breakfast with another pastor.  Instead of pouring into him and enjoying his company, I used the time to whine about a church problem.  The man abruptly interrupted me mid-sentence and said, “I didn’t come here to listen to your problems. Frankly, I don’t want to hear about them.”  Then, he got up and left.  

Admittedly, I was embarrassed and my feelings were hurt.  Anger quickly followed. “Who does he think he is?” I thought.  “What an arrogant, uncaring pastor.”

Was the man rude?  Yes. Did his approach leave something to be desired?  Absolutely! But out of that emotionally painful experience the Lord showed me that I had become a “project.”  I was all too willing to tell anyone who would listen about my woes. I was not enjoyable to be around because I allowed my personal hurts to define me.  I wasn’t interested in changing my outlook or moving past my pain. In this particular case, I was seeking the wrong kind of attention, unwilling to learn from his response, no matter how unkind.  

Nobody needs a “project.”  Why? Because nothing ever changes with some people. They get stuck.  They spin their wheels in the deep ruts of their past. They seek out those willing to validate their pain.  “Projects” become broken records that fixate on the same things. They never change, nor do they want to. They are the same today as they were three years ago!  Pain and on-going drama become their “normal.”

What do “project people” look like?  What are their characteristics?

1. They are totally self-centered.  Everything is about their pain.
2. They seldom, if ever, ask about others.
3. They tell the same stories over and over, refusing to walk in forgiveness.
4. They usually become social misfits, unable to make or keep friends.
5. They leave a trail of broken relationships behind them, often including family members.
6. They become unattached to the needs of others and easily angered when others try to redirect them.  
7. They despise healthy social boundaries.
8.  They become unteachable.
9.  Finally, they spend their lives playing the victim.

How do we address “project people?”  Sadly, many times these individuals cannot be helped until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.

“Projects” gravitate toward sympathetic listening ears.  Once...twice...three times, maybe; then an on-going “project” has to be lovingly confronted.  Often, “projects” move toward flight instead of being willing to honestly confront their deeper issues.

We are followers of Christ, who of course, should love everyone.  Sometimes, however, tough love is needed to effect life change. Until  “projects” are willing to make the necessary adjustments in their thinking patterns and actions, they remain time wasters.  

Remember, everyone is precious to God and possesses divinely given potential.  Some, however, refuse to improve the quality of their present, by allowing their past to enslave them.   

Do you know someone you view as a “project?”  Refuse to live in guilt when you have to call them to task. At times we offer the wrong kind of help that only perpetuates already negatively-established patterns. We are called upon to teach “project people” how to plant wheat instead of always giving them bread. 

Open, honest, and loving confrontation may drive them away temporarily, but in the long run, our prayer is that these “projects” seek life change that rebuilds their credibility and integrity.

Missing My Church Family

Now that we’ve been quarantined from church, unable to attend services, I feel a deeper love for Hope Community.  How I miss gathering with those 50-plus families I hold dear. I miss the “togetherness,” the praise and worship, the preached Word and the family atmosphere.  The energy and anticipation of corporate worship has enhanced my life beyond description. And I’m past ready to return!

What am I thinking about during this time?

1. I need my church family.  None of us were created to do life alone.  I need their funny stories, their prayers, even news of their struggles.  Their hugs, handshakes and smiles make life rewarding. I feel sad for those who build cases against any local church.  They don’t realize what they’re missing!  

2. I now realize that what I thought was so important is so trivial in the overall scheme of corporate worship.  Who cares what people wear?  What difference does it make which songs we choose?  So, what if the mics are not set right or the sound system is too loud for my taste.  What about less than good sermons? Nobody knocks it out of the park all the time! It’s not about me!  Why allow individual idiosyncrasies to bother me? I bring my own to the mix. Critical, unkind and unnecessary comments need not disturb me.  I have no brain space for such tomfoolery. That’s not why I go in the first place!

3. I miss being able to serve and encourage others.  We at Hope Community emphasize servant leadership over titles and positions.  We don’t own the church, we serve it with the gifts God has placed inside us. 

4. I’m using this time to text, email, write cards, send letters, use Facebook Live, You Tube or make calls to individuals as the Lord directs me.  Prayer is a wonderful tool God has given me to bless others and to invite “the kingdom of God to come to earth.”

5. I’m counting down the days to when I’m able to look into the faces of the crowd and grin from ear to ear.  I’m going to smile big, hug a lot, laugh loudly, even cry when the “family” is finally able to gather together again.  I can’t wait for “offering time”!

Hopefully, my perspective will have changed.  I will appreciate the essentials and vow to minimize the non-essentials, or personal preferences.  Just being together again will be enough.

Hope Community, I’m not sure when our doors will re-open for corporate worship, but this I know: I need -- no, I long for -- the love and support my church family provides for both now and eternity.  

In the meantime, keep the faith!  Love you all.  

Ships Passing in the Night

As we journey through life, we potentially cross paths with hundreds, if not thousands of people.  Having pastored six churches in three states, I have been privileged to meet and interact with more people than I can remember.  When individuals from my past ask me to friend them on Facebook, I often cannot remember them or which church they attended!

Similar to your experience, most people come and go for only brief periods of time.  Hopefully, the imprint of these encounters make life more meaningful for these “ships passing in the night.”  This probably represents the largest convocation of human interaction.

Then we all have mere acquaintances.  We most likely spend the majority of our time with them – during school, on the job, at church, and perhaps some family members; but the outcome remains the same.  We again are “ships passing in the night.” No one with one hundred percent accuracy remembers conversations held, but we do remember how we were treated – the vibes we felt.  The acid test of any relationship is how we treat and are treated by one another.  Unfortunately, disloyalty and conditional acceptance usually characterize the outcome between acquaintances.  Not always, but usually.

Then, we have friends at higher levels of interaction.  But perhaps we use the term “friend” too loosely.  The dictionary describes a friend as “a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.”  Some we call friends may only qualify as “acquaintances” where interaction is sporadic.  Sadly, this is the plain on which most Christians live, and I think people in general.

Then comes our true friends – those who know us and still love us!  Those who long to be with us and anticipate our next interaction.  Those who perhaps separated by distance and years pick up where they left off without skipping a beat.  Those who allow us to be the “real us” without judgment.  Those to whom we remain totally comfortable. 

Psychologists tell us that most people journey through life having no more than 2-3 close friends.  Few have “best friends.”  It is rare in today’s world to see time-tested long-term friendships still vibrant. The biblical story of David and Jonathan exemplifies this kind of unconditional loving relationship. These two men remained the truest of friends even when political and family rivalries threatened to separate them. In their case, blood was not thicker than water!

I have been blessed with several good friends over the years, but my wife remains my best friend.  After 42 years, I still love spending time with her.  When we’re apart, I look forward to seeing her again!  Often, we sit in the same room without speaking.  We communicate through silence, all the while feeling comfortable and unthreatened by that silence.  Sometimes silence is the gauge of a solid, heart-rending friendship. 

Typically, people move throughout their lives like “ships passing in the night.”  Some stay in the harbor for longer periods of time; and then, still others – the minority – sail  through life together.  Storms toss and batter, quiet tides provide sacred life moments, and build “forever-ness.” 

Finally, still waters usher them into solid contemplation.  Life has favored them with true friends.  These friendships take them past the horizon of life temporarily into the unknown and then into life eternal.  Love conquers all.   

Real friendships last forever! Christian artist Michael W. Smith wrote, “Friends are friends forever, if the Lord’s the Lord of them…”  Life is best lived when true friends include the Lord in their interactions.

Acquaintances Versus Friends, Part 2

Last week I talked about acquaintances versus friends.  Your wrong understanding of the differences may keep you from enjoying the wonders of the local church!  

My wife and I planted Hope Community Church in 2017, and I’ve learned from watching people come and go, who’s likely to stay and who’s likely to leave.  Individuals who do not connect with at least 3-5 people, OR attend sporadically, OR who do not participate in a Hope (small) group, OR who do not get involved in serving at some level, usually continue their nomadic search for another church.  They usually become easily offended or immaturely look for excuses.  Sadder still, some who leave quit looking altogether.  For pastors especially this is so disconcerting!

Research tends to place the blame on church leaders and/or church structures for their on-going “back door revivals.”   May God help us close these doors!  Sure, churches perhaps need to step up to the plate. but I also think individuals need to ask the hard questions.  While talking with a 96-year-old lady, I learned that she has been a member of the same United Methodist Church for over 83 years.  Evidently, she understood the beauty and benefits of faithfulness.  Isn’t that wonderful?

When I asked her the secret behind her longevity she said, “This is where God planted me, this is where my family and beloved friends are, and this is where I choose to always be part of the solution, never part of the problem.”  I love it! Admittedly, this dear woman is very much the exception, because there are times when moving on is God’s plan.  As a rule, however, solid believers are not Mexican jumping beans; they should seek to be planted!

What’s my point?  Consumerism has taken a toll on the local church.  People often view church attendance like they do a shopping spree at Walmart. Shopping lists and personal preferences often determine peoples’ staying power.  This is so sad. 

Let me encourage you to find a local church where you can flourish spiritually and where you can connect with and make life-long friends.  “The righteous man will flourish like the palm tree, he will grow like a cedar in Lebanon; planted in the house of the Lord, he will flourish in the courts of our God” (Psalm 93:12-13).

Former president of Central Bible College, Dr. Maurice Lednicky, outlined three expectations he looks for on the way to church:

1.  To be challenged by the Word

2.  To be refreshed by the Spirit

3.  To be enriched through fellowship

Well stated!

Understand you will never agree with everything you hear and see, but Christian community is priceless and one of life’s greatest joys.  Everyone needs a local fellowship and whether you understand it or not, everyone needs a Christ-loving shepherd (pastor) to help them navigate their journey from earth to heaven.

The success of your church could very well be your determination to love the Lord, to serve Him faithfully and to come alongside precious friends to see His kingdom come to the earth.  I’m not talking about tight-knit groups where outsiders find it difficult to maneuver; I’m talking about communities of people where honor, affirmation and friendly people draw others to experience God’s unconditional love and salvation.