Are You a Project?

Many years ago, at my invitation, I had breakfast with another pastor.  Instead of pouring into him and enjoying his company, I used the time to whine about a church problem.  The man abruptly interrupted me mid-sentence and said, “I didn’t come here to listen to your problems. Frankly, I don’t want to hear about them.”  Then, he got up and left.  

Admittedly, I was embarrassed and my feelings were hurt.  Anger quickly followed. “Who does he think he is?” I thought.  “What an arrogant, uncaring pastor.”

Was the man rude?  Yes. Did his approach leave something to be desired?  Absolutely! But out of that emotionally painful experience the Lord showed me that I had become a “project.”  I was all too willing to tell anyone who would listen about my woes. I was not enjoyable to be around because I allowed my personal hurts to define me.  I wasn’t interested in changing my outlook or moving past my pain. In this particular case, I was seeking the wrong kind of attention, unwilling to learn from his response, no matter how unkind.  

Nobody needs a “project.”  Why? Because nothing ever changes with some people. They get stuck.  They spin their wheels in the deep ruts of their past. They seek out those willing to validate their pain.  “Projects” become broken records that fixate on the same things. They never change, nor do they want to. They are the same today as they were three years ago!  Pain and on-going drama become their “normal.”

What do “project people” look like?  What are their characteristics?

1. They are totally self-centered.  Everything is about their pain.
2. They seldom, if ever, ask about others.
3. They tell the same stories over and over, refusing to walk in forgiveness.
4. They usually become social misfits, unable to make or keep friends.
5. They leave a trail of broken relationships behind them, often including family members.
6. They become unattached to the needs of others and easily angered when others try to redirect them.  
7. They despise healthy social boundaries.
8.  They become unteachable.
9.  Finally, they spend their lives playing the victim.

How do we address “project people?”  Sadly, many times these individuals cannot be helped until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.

“Projects” gravitate toward sympathetic listening ears.  Once...twice...three times, maybe; then an on-going “project” has to be lovingly confronted.  Often, “projects” move toward flight instead of being willing to honestly confront their deeper issues.

We are followers of Christ, who of course, should love everyone.  Sometimes, however, tough love is needed to effect life change. Until  “projects” are willing to make the necessary adjustments in their thinking patterns and actions, they remain time wasters.  

Remember, everyone is precious to God and possesses divinely given potential.  Some, however, refuse to improve the quality of their present, by allowing their past to enslave them.   

Do you know someone you view as a “project?”  Refuse to live in guilt when you have to call them to task. At times we offer the wrong kind of help that only perpetuates already negatively-established patterns. We are called upon to teach “project people” how to plant wheat instead of always giving them bread. 

Open, honest, and loving confrontation may drive them away temporarily, but in the long run, our prayer is that these “projects” seek life change that rebuilds their credibility and integrity.

Say "NO" to Drama

Drama.  Why would anyone choose to create or live in drama?  Daily life brings enough drama without having to look for it.

For example, both men and women follow television soap operas, where drama is king.  Many are able to recite play by play accounts of misery, gossip, lust, exaggeration, lying and tomfoolery, all which should come under the subheading, “As the Stomach Turns.”  Do they not have enough drama without rehearsing its damaging effects in the lives of paid actors?

In 1 Thessalonians 4:11, Paul tells his beloved church at Thessalonica to “Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life.”  What was he suggesting?  Paul knew that believers may not be able to shut themselves off from the world, but they certainly don’t have to add to the noise!

This verse is sandwiched between two admonitions that make sense.  In verse 4 the Apostle encourages believers to love one another.  In verses 11-12 he very pointedly tells them, “You should mind your own business and work with your hands, so outsiders respect you and you’re not a burden on anyone.” 

What’s he saying?  I believe his words refer to more than financial freeloaders.  He in essence is saying “Don’t become someone’s project.”  Drama-driven individuals always take, never give – depleting others of precious time and energy.  They suck their “victims” dry, spiritually and emotionally.   We’re all much too busy for that! 

As Christians, of course we desire to come alongside people in their trials and difficulties; but no one wants to join ranks with those bent on making drama their identifying trademark.  Misery may breed company, but that doesn’t mean we have to invite the “drama club” over for supper on Friday evening! 

I have personally declared war on drama in my life and others, because I think that drama is a much lesser choice.  I know people who cannot live drama-free lives because drama has become their “normal.”  Take away the drama and they find themselves stripped of their comfort zone.  It’s sick! 

What does drama look like in those who embrace and coddle it?  I’ve noticed these characteristics:

1.  Individuals who walk into a room and immediately begin sharing drama without caring who’s in the room or even before greeting anyone present are probably drama-driven.  Often, they are loud and obnoxious. 

2.  Individuals who talk only about their problems, illnesses, disappointments, trials or problems non-stop are probably drama-driven.

3.  Individuals who never ask how you are or what’s going on in your life and keep the conversation alive with their woes, are probably drama-driven.

4.  Individuals who put down, blast and criticize their loved ones – children, spouse, grandchildren – and supposed friends are probably drama-driven. 

May I encourage you to not degrade your loved ones in public venues?  First, no one wants to hear it, and your family members deserve your confidentiality.  They deserve your loyalty.  If problems exist, take them to the altar and tell the One who never exposes dirty laundry, or to the counseling room, where confidentiality reigns.  How sad that some people live in such a small, confining world – one that never reaches past their front steps!

Drama-driven people spray poison every time they open their mouth.  In short, they are toxic.  I’ve determined not to give them time or energy.  These sad people generally have few real friends and the ones they do have tend to be toxic as well.  Notice too that competitive toxicity minimizes proper listening skills in drama-driven people, as they furiously vie for attention.  Put them in a room together and they push to “out toxic” one another.  It becomes a crap fest!  I am repelled by such goings on.

Today, I choose to follow Paul’s admonition to “lead a quiet life,” and to love others.  I expect the world to breed toxicity but believers in Jesus should live a cut above hurtful, hateful, harsh toxicity.  Join me by officially declaring war on drama and the toxicity it produces in peoples’ lives.  Lord, give us grace mixed with compassion to righteously and honestly confront drama-driven people. 

Such people need to learn that we who choose to live on the plain of peace and quietness don’t care what goes on in the deep, deep pits of chosen shallowness and disparity.  Life is far too precious and brief to spend it in the drama zone. 

Let’s live in the light of God’s unconditional love so that people say when they leave our presence, “I feel encouraged and better because of my recent interaction.”  God forbid that people want to run the other way when they see us coming.

Death to drama and hooray to those who make conscious efforts to “lead quiet lives!”

    

Kids Out of Control

Have you ever been around children who were out of control?  And did you notice they acted even worse when the parents were around? 

Believe it or not, children not only need boundaries, but they actually respect them.  David said it well in Psalm 51:5, "In sin did my mother conceive me..."  Those cute little bundles of joy soon grow into older children who need to be trained and guided.  We see the sin nature begin to manifest early on!  Children must be taught to understand and obey righteous and reasonable boundaries from a very young age.  If parents don't establish proper boundaries, the children will establish their own, and the end results will produce out-of-control children.

Forget about those humanistic teachers who say that boundaries destroy the child's potential and creative flow.  If you let your child talk back to you and disrespect you at three years of age, you may very well be visiting him or her in jail at 23!  Once you give boundaries to a child and enforce the consequences of breaking those boundaries, carry through with your "promise."  Don't say, "I'm going to only tell you one more time" (for the fifth time!).  Children need consistency!  Also parents, never allow your children to pit you against one another.  After you come to a mutual decision, support one another.  Your child will soon learn that he cannot manipulate you.

God gives us children and trusts us to help shape their character and behavior and most important, lead them to the Savior.  We do this through instruction, lots of love and godly discipline.  We must be careful not to break their spirit, but we must break their will.  Remember too, there's a difference between disciplining and shaming a child.  Don't say, "You're no good."  Instead say, "Your behavior is not acceptable."  Obedience is learned, and some obedience is learned through suffering.  It worked that way with Jesus.  "Though He was a Son, yet He learned obedience by the things which He suffered" (Hebrews 5:8).

Remember, parents can't wait until their children are 10-12 years old to begin this process. Training begins during infancy.  All four of my children were taught boundaries from the time they learned to crawl.  We never moved our household trinkets up higher to avoid breakage. The children received a smack on their hands if they touched them.  If I said, "No, no," that's what I meant, and when they defied the order, they paid the consequences.

Did we spank?  Yes we did!  Reasonably and on their back side!  Pain is a teacher!  Controlled and intentional spanking not driven by anger does not constitute abuse.  It is perhaps unwise to exercise spanking in public, so "minister" to your child in a private place!  Again, humanistic mindsets have many parents afraid to touch their children, so unfortunately many children are growing up without boundaries.  Many children today control their homes and sadly their school classrooms because of this unscriptural practice.  Sometimes I wonder, "Who's the parent and who's the child?"  Reasonable boundaries, an understanding of and love for authority, and the teaching of respect and godliness need to be re-introduced to our children.

Telling parents to "Shut up," rolling of the eyes, temper-tantrums, the raising of voices, and blatant disobedience all constitute disrespect and eventually produce rebellious kids.  I'm not recommending abuse, of course, but I do recommend that parents start training their children during their formative years.  Don't work to be their friend; be their parent first!

Sunday Morning--Wake Up!

I understand we cannot live in the past.  And I understand that most everything changes over time.  And I believe that a lot of change is both necessary and for the best.  However, when it comes to Sunday morning in America, I have a grave concern.

Not too many years back our weekly “Christian” schedule included:

1.  Sunday School

2.  Morning Worship

3.  Evening Worship

4.  Wednesday Service

5.  Revival Services, and

6.   Other church events

For many believers church life was their social life.  The two intermingled.  Of course, not all Christians attended all the above opportunities, but my point is these opportunities typically were held in high esteem by both culture and the Church.

As the years passed, culture gradually stole affections from the local church.  Do you remember the “Blue Laws” of yesteryear, when most businesses were closed on Sundays to allow their employees and “John Q. Public” time off?  School and community sports were suspended, while churches conducted Sunday services. 

I remember when schools also withheld from conducting Wednesday evening activities to accommodate mid-week services.  Professional baseball games were scheduled for Sunday afternoons.  Cleveland great, Bob Feller, used to go to church on Sunday morning and THEN pitch for the Indians in the afternoon.  Pastors were invited to speak at baccalaureate and graduation ceremonies.  Church was considered a viable part of life and community.

Not so today.  Most churches, including Hope Community, meet corporately once each week.  Many churches have discontinued Sunday evening services; Wednesday evening services are rare and protracted revival meetings are definitely a thing of the past.

But even these realities do not represent my bone of contention.  Without the fear of being branded as legalistic, the past 50 years have been crafted by the enemy of our soul, the enemy of the Church, to steal away valuable time for church ministry.  What am I saying?

I believe two cultural dynamics designed in board meetings in hell, seconded and voted upon by evil master minds have subtly and skillfully turned Christ followers away from what really matters.  Godly affections and biblical teachings regarding faithfulness and righteous living have been stolen.

1.  We have fallen prey to “busy-ness” that leads to barrenness.  Our days are full of activities that lead to stress, fatigue and anxiety, but fall short in the “fulfillment department.”  People are always headed somewhere but like Henry David Thoreau wrote, they continue to “lead lives of quiet desperation.”  It’s a “go-go” world.  Family time has been sacrificed at the altar of busy-ness.  I’ve never seen so many busy, yet unhappy people!  Family table discussions are all but gone, replaced by drive-thru restaurants and eating on the run.

2.  We have more events, places to go and things to do than ever before!  Our Sunday choices are innumerable.  Years ago, people said concerning Sunday mornings: “We WILL go to church.”  Today, many ask, “WILL we go to church?”  Or subconsciously, “Is there a better option?” And the answer is many times “no” to church and “yes” to some form of entertainment or family function.    Recent Barna research indicates that 38 percent of America goes to church.  But then they follow this percentage with the “real” picture.  Out of the 38 percent, only 19 percent attend regularly.  The other 19 percent attend church once every six weeks.  In their minds, better, more exciting choices come their way.

I’m heart broken.  And I’m mad at the devil.  Is that okay?  Sunday mornings in a narcissistic culture run amuck, are now filled with sports events, fun parks, family reunions, parties of all kinds and descriptions, Christians hung-over from Saturday night drinking (don’t get me started!) and a host of other pre-scheduled events that steal people away from the local church.

Misplaced priorities have rendered the church as just one of many options on Sunday morning.  I’m usually not this bold, but I’m calling for Christ followers everywhere to wake up and realize that we have been duped.  Jesus Christ thought the Church to be so important that He died for it.  God chose the Church to be earth’s saving agency.  The writer to the Hebrews emphatically reminds us to “Not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encourage one another – all the much more as you see the Day approaching” (10:25, NIV).

My friend, wake up!  If you have fallen into this snare of the enemy, repent and make Sunday morning church non-negotiable in your life.  Clean off your “busy plate” and understand that I’m dealing with an eternal issue in this blog.  You need what the Church offers.  You need the rich community and friendships that only Church provides.  Everything else can wait until Sunday afternoon.  Please hear what I’m saying.  My pastor’s heart is broken because many have absented themselves perpetually from the very source that makes life meaningful and keeps eternity in view. Hope Community is one of many Christ-honoring churches in Ashtabula County.  Be in one of them next Sunday morning!

No, going to church does not save you, but faithful attendance to a local church can and will make your life so much more rewarding.  Sleeping in a garage all night will not make you a car, nor will going to church on Sunday mornings make you a Christian, but when seen as one option until something better presents itself could possibly bankrupt your soul in the meantime!