Online Dating and Match Making

Television advertisements about online dating and match making services abound in today’s world.  Singles, widows and widowers, those over 50 etc, have exclusive sites.  We hear stories about couples finding true love online, but I still wonder about the on-going validity of such match making.  Relationships may begin online, but they have to be cultivated face to face!  I know about one couple that met online and today are happily married.  It’s because what they began online was taken to the next all-important level.

Nothing beats relationship building one-on-one, person-to-person.  Talking to individuals in chat rooms is risky because a lot of people are masters at disguising their true identity and character.  I've personally dealt with two women who chose to go online looking for male companionship, and ended up in serious trouble--lawsuits, bodily threats and harassing calls.  I realize my comments may sound like a Lifetime Movie plot!  But still, be careful!

In addition, Facebook can be a wonderful tool to keep in touch with past and present friends; however, you need to be careful with whom you connect.  Sadly, the world is full of not-so-nice people.  Accordingly, online dating and match making websites may screen applicants, but that still does not insure your total safety.

Let me share several insights about online communication.  Take them or leave them!

1.  Online relationships do not allow for eye contact, voice inflections, accurate spiritual discernment, or body language in general.  You can't REALLY get to know someone through cyberspace (even with Skype, Face Time or video chat).  The other party can still partially maintain his/her anonymity, or allow you to "see" an extremely edited version of him or herself. You could be addressing a serial killer and not know it!

2.  Unfortunately, the world is full of people who have hidden agendas, impure motives and con artists.  Too much information about you may prove harmful to your mental, emotional and even financial health.  Be careful.

3.  Cyber-connecting, online dating and even chatting can be dangerous when an individual relinquishes too much personal information.  Cyber voyeurs are looking for people on which to prey.  Misdirected, angry people all too easily obtain information that could lead to scary results.  Did you hear about the woman in California whose online chat partner learned where she lived, and later robbed and murdered her?  This of course, is the exception, but still such online practices beckon us to be very cautious.

When it comes to online dating sites, I guess they’re okay if the site is reputable.  From what I understand, these sites protect anonymity until correct "matches" have been found, and the individuals in question give approval (and credit card information!) before names and personal information are released.  I guess this method of connection is better than bar hopping!

Let me suggest Christian singles groups and even churches for singles looking for potential mates.  This of course, is after you have prayed for guidance and God's will in this all-important aspect of your life.  I admit it.  I went to Evangel University for two reasons: (1) to get my degree, and (2) to assist Lori with her M.R.S. degree!  I just didn't know her name when I arrived on campus!

Nothing outweighs the beauty and necessity of eye-to-eye contact.  The Holy Spirit gives us much needed discernment when we are able to look into someone's eyes--in person.  Always be suspicious of someone who cannot look you in the eyes when he/she talks to you.  You may be dealing with shyness, but you could also be dealing with trouble. I've taught for years that the eyes are windows to the soul.  Emails, chat rooms, Facebook, and Twitter all have their place, but if you're looking for a date or more important--a life's mate, you need more than the impersonal venue of cyberspace.

God made us to connect!  We are "body" people and we need to exercise our senses.  I love what John writes about Jesus: "What was from the beginning, what we have heard, what we have seen with our eyes, what we have looked at and touched with our hands, concerning the Word of life (1 John 1:1)."  Cyberspace provides incomplete, even distorted views.  I know I'm old-fashioned, but I can't imagine marriage proposals made online when two parties have never "heard, seen and touched" in the physical realm.  Yes, I've heard stories about couples finding love online, but I still value more personal venues.

Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes, and the Piano

I was always very careful when it came to dating.  Every date represented a potential marriage partner.  After I came to Christ in 1970, I decided what kind of girl I wanted to marry.  While praying one day, I gave the Lord four prerequisites regarding my future wife.  You may laugh, but God knew I was serious.

First and foremost, she had to love the Lord with all her heart.  Then I requested a blonde, blue-eyed girl, who played the piano.   After all, if I was going to be a pastor, I needed a piano player!

I met Lori Owens in January, 1976, when we both served on the Evangel University newspaper and yearbook staffs, respectively.  Lori was a quiet, yet fun-loving girl, who did not catch my eye at first.  She told her roommate that I was too stuffy.

I was a sophomore; she was a freshman.  During that semester, we worked together on the newspaper and yearbook staffs.  In fact, I was her "boss."   As time passed, we developed a close friendship.  I found her to be a lot of fun and deeply spiritual.  She saw me as focused and serious-minded.  Toward the end of that semester, I decided it was time for a “real” date.  Lori’s story is that she painted my office in exchange for an evening together.  What she didn’t know was that I was afraid of her declining my invitation, so I used the “bartering method” to avoid rejection!

Because I was short on cash, I took her to a free movie at the college.  We watched Gone with the Wind, while sitting on straight-back chairs in the school’s musty old fine arts auditorium.  Afterwards, we went to dinner at one of Springfield’s (MO) finer restaurants.  We both ordered spaghetti and meatballs.  I was nervous; she was clumsy!  A meatball fell off her fork, rolled across the table and landed in my lap.  And of course, I was wearing white pants!  Lori loves telling the part when I dropped her off at the dorm and ended the evening in prayer.  “He didn’t even kiss me,” she says.

When the semester was over, we both remained on campus for summer school.  By that time we were inseparable; and admittedly, I was slow in the romance department.  One evening in early June, I sat in my room feeling desperately lonely.  Suddenly it hit me:  God was preparing me for the most important decision of my life after salvation—the selection of my life’s mate.  I realized the answer to my loneliness lived across campus! 

For the first time in my life, I was in love.  I was smitten!  A blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl, who played the piano was living in Scott Hall.  I then paged her over the intercom, and our love affair began to blossom at Sambo's, a restaurant across the street from the college.

On August 6, 1977, Lori Owens became my bride.  Her dad, the Rev. Dale Owens, united us in a church that was demolished on the Monday after we were married! (This allowed room for a new sanctuary to be built--not because the roof caved in!)  Three steel pillars positioned in the middle of the church literally held up that antiquated concrete structure.  It was a hot, and I mean hot Alabama day, and the church’s one window air conditioner malfunctioned. 

Now, after 40 years, four children, six grandkids and five pastorates later, we give God praise for His faithfulness.  Lori is the most gifted person I know.  In fact, she can be downright intimidating! God brought us together not to compete, but to complete one another.  She is not only my wife, but she’s my best friend and co-pastor.  She’s wonderfully articulate, a gifted writer, missionary, mother, grandmother, teacher, musician, mentor, and friend to many. 

We honor the gifts inside each other and count it a privilege to serve the Lord and our wonderful "family" at Hope Community Church.  

(Side note to my bride: Happy 40th Anniversary on August 6th.  Looking back is fun. Looking forward is even better!)