Are You a Project?

Many years ago, at my invitation, I had breakfast with another pastor.  Instead of pouring into him and enjoying his company, I used the time to whine about a church problem.  The man abruptly interrupted me mid-sentence and said, “I didn’t come here to listen to your problems. Frankly, I don’t want to hear about them.”  Then, he got up and left.  

Admittedly, I was embarrassed and my feelings were hurt.  Anger quickly followed. “Who does he think he is?” I thought.  “What an arrogant, uncaring pastor.”

Was the man rude?  Yes. Did his approach leave something to be desired?  Absolutely! But out of that emotionally painful experience the Lord showed me that I had become a “project.”  I was all too willing to tell anyone who would listen about my woes. I was not enjoyable to be around because I allowed my personal hurts to define me.  I wasn’t interested in changing my outlook or moving past my pain. In this particular case, I was seeking the wrong kind of attention, unwilling to learn from his response, no matter how unkind.  

Nobody needs a “project.”  Why? Because nothing ever changes with some people. They get stuck.  They spin their wheels in the deep ruts of their past. They seek out those willing to validate their pain.  “Projects” become broken records that fixate on the same things. They never change, nor do they want to. They are the same today as they were three years ago!  Pain and on-going drama become their “normal.”

What do “project people” look like?  What are their characteristics?

1. They are totally self-centered.  Everything is about their pain.
2. They seldom, if ever, ask about others.
3. They tell the same stories over and over, refusing to walk in forgiveness.
4. They usually become social misfits, unable to make or keep friends.
5. They leave a trail of broken relationships behind them, often including family members.
6. They become unattached to the needs of others and easily angered when others try to redirect them.  
7. They despise healthy social boundaries.
8.  They become unteachable.
9.  Finally, they spend their lives playing the victim.

How do we address “project people?”  Sadly, many times these individuals cannot be helped until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.

“Projects” gravitate toward sympathetic listening ears.  Once...twice...three times, maybe; then an on-going “project” has to be lovingly confronted.  Often, “projects” move toward flight instead of being willing to honestly confront their deeper issues.

We are followers of Christ, who of course, should love everyone.  Sometimes, however, tough love is needed to effect life change. Until  “projects” are willing to make the necessary adjustments in their thinking patterns and actions, they remain time wasters.  

Remember, everyone is precious to God and possesses divinely given potential.  Some, however, refuse to improve the quality of their present, by allowing their past to enslave them.   

Do you know someone you view as a “project?”  Refuse to live in guilt when you have to call them to task. At times we offer the wrong kind of help that only perpetuates already negatively-established patterns. We are called upon to teach “project people” how to plant wheat instead of always giving them bread. 

Open, honest, and loving confrontation may drive them away temporarily, but in the long run, our prayer is that these “projects” seek life change that rebuilds their credibility and integrity.

The Power of Affirmation

During a recent phone call I was again reminded of the necessity of affirming others. Affirmation is powerful.  The caller in a bragging manner, talked about how wonderful she was, how beautifully she sang and how special she was to her nieces and nephews.  She spent 20 minutes telling me how much she was loved by everyone who knew her. 

Sadly, her life has been characterized by relationship failures and abuses of all kinds – mental, emotional, physical and sexual.  In truth, she self-loathes but the pain she feels drives her to express what she longs for and what she was robbed of – affirmation.  Just as physical life is in the blood, regular affirmation sustains healthy life in the soul (mind, will and emotions). 

I hung up deeply touched.  It seems my path crosses regularly with others who are affirmation-starved or at least mal-nutritioned!

Self-bragging is often symptomatic of those who were never or seldom affirmed, usually going back to childhood.  All of us need to feel valued and know that we have worth.  When we don’t, we either brag on ourselves or we self-abase.  Not everyone who brags on himself is arrogant – obnoxious perhaps – but not arrogant. 

What is affirmation?  To affirm someone is to offer emotional support or encouragement.  Individuals who are always criticized, judged or never affirmed often grow up to become emotional cripples.  They lack healthy self-esteem and become robbed of their God-given potential.  In return, they never affirm others and the cycle continues.  We can’t give away what we don’t have!  Yet, affirmation in the right context – not flattery – builds healthy self-respect and drives us toward personal excellence.

I regularly witness the results of those who grew up never being affirmed.  They are “Me-centered.”  They never ask, “How are you?”  They walk into a room and without fail begin talking about themselves and what’s going on in their world.  They often interrupt conversations already in progress with their usual negative self-centeredness.  They live in a bubble that’s quite small, but where drama-driven issues continue to make headlines in their life.  They bring “weightiness” to every conversation and often have nothing of value to contribute.  They grind the same axes over and over.  Their continued lack of affirmation makes them socially intolerable.

Self-centeredness overrides others-centeredness and when put together in a group these sad people vie for attention and always strive to get the spotlight.  It’s a wearing, tragic spectacle to watch!  People who are affirmation-starved many times disqualify themselves from effective ministry because it becomes all about them instead of the Lord they represent.  They are willing to be divisive and even sow discord in hopes that someone – anyone – will tell them how wonderful they are!  This sounds ridiculous but it’s an all too present reality.  How sad!

On the other hand, I have watched as the power of affirmation works its wonder in the lives of broken and hurting people.  Critical and defensive attitudes melt into kindness and break out into smiles when I give them affirmation.  Offenses are softened and even eliminated when individuals feel loved and valued.  Anger is often replaced with laughter as affirmation works its magic.

Today make it a point to affirm those you meet.  Don’t flatter – affirm.  Speak life into their soul, but don’t allow them to self-abase or to brag.  Guide the discussion to an others-centered conclusion.  Affirmation does its best work when we by example show people that life is not about us but about “others.”  I’ve seen people come to Christ when their personal “love tank” was filled with affirmation instead of criticism.  Hearts become opened to the gospel when affirmation and honor fill the atmosphere of their lives. 

Two Women

In Philippians 4:2-3 Paul very succinctly deals with an apparent squabble between two women in the church: 

“I plead with Euodia and I plead with Synteche to be of the same mind in the Lord.  Yes, and I ask you, my true companion, help those women since they have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my coworkers, whose names are in this book of life.”

Evidently, the fallout between these two women was serious enough for Paul to address in the manner he did.  The apostle knew that such dissension could bring church division.  Unfortunately, as sick as it may sound, some thrive on drama.  Their lives are drama-driven!

Details are sketchy but we do know that both women were leaders in the church at Philippi.  He further recognized that both women needed a third party to help them move past their disagreement.  They needed an arbitrator.  Yes, saved people at times refuse to die to self when engaged in relationship battles.

I read this brief passage and I think back to times of church division in my pastoral ministry.  Unfortunately, some pastors believe the solution rests solely on prayer and that’s a good starting place.  Many times, however, such contentions need to be confronted firmly and with tough love.  When disagreements escalate beyond resolution, church leaders must take corrective action.  Such was the case with Euodia and Synteche.

At Hope Community Church I keep my ears to the ground when it comes to church conflict.  The enemy (Satan) wants nothing more than to divide the work of God.  He has a bag of tricks. One includes individuals becoming offended or at odds with one another.  Following are precautionary issues that I look for when two or more individuals experience relationship fallout.

Please note:  Men too, experience interpersonal conflicts.

1.  Obviously, whatever their bone of contention, Euodia and Synteche were causing church-wide unrest.  Two people in conflict may subsequently try to make their problem a church issue.  This I guard against tenaciously.  They talk to others in the church to build a case in their defense.  In Proverbs 6:19 the author relates one of seven things that God hates is “one who sows discord among the brothers.”  This is not about taking sides; it’s about two people owning up to their own sins, and relationship failures.

2.   Paul knew that Euodia and Synteche, because of their widespread influence, might look for others to join them in their “cause.”  Nothing good ever comes from taking up the offenses of others.  Did you know that all of us carry influence?  And did you know that we use our influence to either hurt or bless the cause of unity?  Don’t pick up offenses!  Instead, pray for restitution among the quarreling parties.  And whatever you do, please be careful not to add fuel to the fires of contention.  Be a peacemaker not a troublemaker!

3.  We say that Hope Community is a “No Drama Church.”  In other words, we ask people to not make their private issues public.  Of course, we want to pray for the needs of people, but we insist that personal issues be taken to the Lord in prayer on a confidential basis.  The church lobby, small group, or social media is not the place to perpetuate drama.  Some individuals talk too much and tell too much. Daily drama sucks the life out of people and gives the enemy constant access into their situations.  I personally despise it when believers use Facebook to air their dirty laundry. Such posting brings reproach on the gospel.  Don’t give the devil opportunity to implode your drama.  Are you a “Drama Queen or King?”  Then abdicate your throne today!

4.  Euodias and Synteche were leaders in the local church.  Paul knew that leaders often disqualify themselves from effective ministry when they engage in church division, on-going drama or taking up others’ offenses. That’s why he tells them to “be of the same mind in the Lord.”  Leaders and people in general often forget that negative perception can disqualify them from future ministry opportunities.  Are you a leader?  Ask yourself, “How am I perceived by others?”

5.  Something in human nature rallies us to immediately take sides when others experience fallout.  This is dangerous.  Always remember:  there’s one side, the other side and then the right side.  Individuals who determine to get involved in the offenses of others always seem to search for weak links in the church – immature, emotionally broken people – to perpetuate their offenses.  We at Hope Community keep our eyes peeled for such shenanigans. This is what we refer to as “dirty pool.”

6.   Finally, all of us are subject to relationship fallout.  Paul’s direct appeal to Euodias and Synteche suggests that we are never beyond correction when emotions and actions escalate.  We must at all costs protect the integrity of the gospel. Damage control always becomes necessary when believers refuse to righteously resolve their issues.  At Hope we watch and pray against such goings-on and are determined to confront anything that hurts the forward momentum God has given us.  

Unmet Expectations

Have you ever been disappointed? Of course you have!  All of us meet with disappointment at some level.  Today I want to talk about unmet expectations (disappointments) that may lead to anger and feelings of not being appreciated.  Let’s face it.  None of us see the “whole picture” in any given situation.  And that’s how disappointment can result!

Partial insight may lead to unmet expectations, which can lead to hard feelings and even strife.  Disappointments not tempered by the Holy Spirit can cause us to question leadership credibility.  This, in turn, can lead to rebellion.

Many years ago, I applied for a youth pastor position in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio.  I was sure that I met the necessary qualifications and more!  Living in Alabama at the time and being unemployed, put my expectations on high alert.  I just knew that I would be hired. Not only was I passed over for the position, I was told, “You’re not youth pastor material.  You may want to consider getting out of ministry altogether.”  

Unmet expectations caused me to become critical and unreasonable.  God put me on the shelf for two years to correct my attitude.  The man who was hired did a wonderful job and later, in God’s time, I accepted the call to pastor my first church.  God had something better for me, but I allowed my unmet expectations to make me dogmatic and pride-filled.

Unmet expectations are partially brought on by our unwillingness to change formerly learned patterns.  We all live in comfort zones – those places where we settle into familiar areas of every day activity we call routine, and where most of us function nicely.  Routine fosters a sense of security, and that’s okay, but sometimes God requires us to move from routine to the unfamiliar to re-direct us.  Our comfort zones are stripped away so that we can be of greater use to the Master. 

God calls us to embrace new seasons of life; and frankly, new seasons are coming whether we like them or not.  When recently helping a friend to move, I said, “I used to jump off the back of pick-up trucks, now I slither off the tailgate!”  Feet, legs and hips no longer withstand high jumps!  It’s the difference between age 40 and age 62.  Forced flexibility protects me from broken bones! 

Unmet expectations cause us to become inflexible and fearful, which often lead to anger.  We used to say, “Learn to go with the flow.”  In our fast-changing world, it seems that nothing remains the same. 

Most of us have difficulty with change.  Comfort zones, which become threatened, cause us to lash out at anything that smacks of change.  “After all,” we reason, “If it worked in the past, it should be good enough for today as well.”

I’ve actually seen churches hurt, even divided by those who fight change and whose expectations (comfort zones) go unmet.  While the Scriptures tell us, “I am the God who changes not,” everything He does in and through the church has expiration dates, according to the seasons He implements.  The message of the Gospel never changes, but God’s methodologies are subject to constant change.  God places inside all of us creative ingenuity, whose goal is to reach people where they are. 

This has nothing to do with compromise; it ties in with God’s on-going passion to win the lost.  God is always looking for ways to draw people into the Kingdom.  Be careful.  Your unmet expectations may really be God’s invitation to a renewed celebration of His grace in your life. 

And your inflexibility and non-compliance may be the cause of a ministry not moving forward like it needs to.  You sure don’t want that!  Never be a hindrance, but always helpful.  After all, it’s not about you.  It’s about what’s best for His on-going work of redemption in the lives of people who desperately need the Lord.  Those who have been in the faith and in the church for years would do well to remember that the work of the Lord moves forward only through unity. 

Unmet expectations are not the end of the world, but they could lead to the hindrance of God’s work in a given church, at a given time, for kingdom purposes.  Never allow what you want or what you think to override God’s intended purposes.  It’s not about you.  It’s about His work!   Can I get an “Amen?”